Strange Titles:
"The Monkey in the Tree" by Hu Fling Poo
"Under the Grandstands" by Seymor Butts
"Down the Yellow River" by I. P. Freely
"Dealing with STD's" by Dick Burns
"100 Yard to the Outhouse" by Willie Makit - Forward by Betty Doant
"A Cat's Revenge" by Claude D. Balls
Random Crap and questions:
Why do kids ask dumb questions?
Why do adults ask dumb questions?
Whats the difference between a kid on a big-wheel, and an adult behind a steering wheel?
Purple.
A lost cause is only worthless when you give it to your friend.
Blue shirts hurt.
Before you jump in the gene pool, make sure its more than ankle deep.
Don't call for phone support from the phone your having problems with.
When the teacher told you to stay within the lines, she meant it so you dont kill someone later.
What is the difference/similarity between a car and a handgun?
For Your Information:
3000lb of plastic and steel will kill you just the same as 1.5oz of lead and copper
Comedians are only as funny as the people that laugh at their jokes.
The average city in the United States spends $30,000 - $100,000+ to paint yellow, white lines on the road to help keep you and your passengers safe. It takes only half of a second to lose enough concentration to cause you to cross one of those lines and kill someone.
A 60mph head on collision causes your body to feel 50 times heavier than it is for a very short time. It only takes 25lbs of pressure to break a rib, and another 5lbs of pressure for that rib to rupture your heart and kill you.
Water that is still steaming is hotter than the air around it. If it is 90F outside and you see steam on the top of you cup of coffee, do not put it between your legs.
There is no such thing as an accident. It is impossible for something to be an accident in a cause/effect reality.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
You, Your computer, and Me....
Okie-day kiddeo's, its time for Creepy Uncle Rusty's guide to your computer.
1. If you are reading this, its probably cause you know how to use your computer. So I will skip to #2.
2. Okay, so you are reading on, perhaps to find something funny or entertaining, but most likely you are trying to see if I actually know something. Okay, here goes.
You DON'T need an anti-virus if you do the following; DON'T DOWNLOAD CRAP. Lets say you are looking for updates to your favorite game, you do a google search and decide to grab what ever one is the top in the list. This takes you to some website that claims they have the update to your game and tappity-tap-tap you have yourself a download in progress. You run it when its done, and it asks you to restart your PC. Guess what monkey, you just installed a virus. Your lazy dumb ass was too retarded to go to the games website, or the publishers website and now you are infected. Great job genius, now what are you going to do? I know, lets call your Internet service provider and complain vehemently that it is all the fault of the Internet Provider that you got infected. Thats like blaming the nurse that took your temperature for your last orgy where you took it in the butt and got HIV.
Now, many of you also open up emails like they are the next $100 million dollar prize winner, infact that was a scam that went around for a while, anyway, the instructions in this email are to go to this 'special' website and download a small program so we can identify you for the purposes of delivering this HUGE sum of money. Cept, guess what! YOU got infected, faster than a horny sailor in a port whore house. Don't be stupid, don't open email from locations or emails that you cannot identify.
Lastly, if your computer happens to be running slow, or takes forever to start, or you get dookie-tons of pop-ups, don't come whining to me to fix your crap. Talk to a PC technician, I don't get paid enough to troubleshoot stupid.
Here is a simple test to determine if you deserve to have a computer:
1. Can you type with more than 2 fingers? If yes, proceed to step 2, otherwise, take your computer back to where you got it and dont ever buy a computer ever.
2. If you can type with at least 4 fingers per hand, can you type at least 20 words per minutes, proceed to step 3, otherwise, you might want to take some classes at your local college to increase your words per minute.
3. Can you identify the major components of your computer? Can you tell the difference between the power button on your monitor and the power button on your pc? If so, proceed to step 4, otherwise you may want to look into PC's for Dummies and read it.
4. Do you know the difference between your email program and your browser program? If so, proceed to step 5, otherwise, You need to look into classes at your local college for Computer Literacy 101.
5. Do you know where to find programs that you do not frequently use? If so, proceed to step 6, otherwise, poke around the start menu and identify the following programs, Command Prompt, Internet Explorer, Outlook Express, Mac Mail, Safari, Network Configuration and Control Panel, System Preferences. This will help your Telephone Support Representative fix your issue.
6. You are qualified to use your computer, and should not have any problems with dealing with the internet, however, this does not entitle you to treat your support representatives like shit, you are still stupid compared to many of the representatives you call. And If you "know" everything, why are you calling us?
1. If you are reading this, its probably cause you know how to use your computer. So I will skip to #2.
2. Okay, so you are reading on, perhaps to find something funny or entertaining, but most likely you are trying to see if I actually know something. Okay, here goes.
You DON'T need an anti-virus if you do the following; DON'T DOWNLOAD CRAP. Lets say you are looking for updates to your favorite game, you do a google search and decide to grab what ever one is the top in the list. This takes you to some website that claims they have the update to your game and tappity-tap-tap you have yourself a download in progress. You run it when its done, and it asks you to restart your PC. Guess what monkey, you just installed a virus. Your lazy dumb ass was too retarded to go to the games website, or the publishers website and now you are infected. Great job genius, now what are you going to do? I know, lets call your Internet service provider and complain vehemently that it is all the fault of the Internet Provider that you got infected. Thats like blaming the nurse that took your temperature for your last orgy where you took it in the butt and got HIV.
Now, many of you also open up emails like they are the next $100 million dollar prize winner, infact that was a scam that went around for a while, anyway, the instructions in this email are to go to this 'special' website and download a small program so we can identify you for the purposes of delivering this HUGE sum of money. Cept, guess what! YOU got infected, faster than a horny sailor in a port whore house. Don't be stupid, don't open email from locations or emails that you cannot identify.
Lastly, if your computer happens to be running slow, or takes forever to start, or you get dookie-tons of pop-ups, don't come whining to me to fix your crap. Talk to a PC technician, I don't get paid enough to troubleshoot stupid.
Here is a simple test to determine if you deserve to have a computer:
1. Can you type with more than 2 fingers? If yes, proceed to step 2, otherwise, take your computer back to where you got it and dont ever buy a computer ever.
2. If you can type with at least 4 fingers per hand, can you type at least 20 words per minutes, proceed to step 3, otherwise, you might want to take some classes at your local college to increase your words per minute.
3. Can you identify the major components of your computer? Can you tell the difference between the power button on your monitor and the power button on your pc? If so, proceed to step 4, otherwise you may want to look into PC's for Dummies and read it.
4. Do you know the difference between your email program and your browser program? If so, proceed to step 5, otherwise, You need to look into classes at your local college for Computer Literacy 101.
5. Do you know where to find programs that you do not frequently use? If so, proceed to step 6, otherwise, poke around the start menu and identify the following programs, Command Prompt, Internet Explorer, Outlook Express, Mac Mail, Safari, Network Configuration and Control Panel, System Preferences. This will help your Telephone Support Representative fix your issue.
6. You are qualified to use your computer, and should not have any problems with dealing with the internet, however, this does not entitle you to treat your support representatives like shit, you are still stupid compared to many of the representatives you call. And If you "know" everything, why are you calling us?
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