Things to consider.... (repost)

Thank you for calling technical support, my name is Inkil. I have a considerable amount of control over one or more very important aspects of your daily life. Your cable TV, Telephone and Internet, sometimes one of these, sometimes all three. Before we interact, I would like to share some thoughts with you.

I am here, quite simply, to fix your shit. My job is not complete until said shit is fixed. So, please, just help me fix your shit. With that out of the way, know that I hate you exactly as much as you hate me, no more, no less. If you are at least relatively pleasant, I will be more than happy to assist you with all your needs, even small talk with you about the weather. Conversely, if you are a total tool, I will make this the worse 10 minutes of your life.

Neither I, nor any of my co-workers our out to screw you over. We are not idiots, we are college graduates in technical disciplines, the vast majority of whom are here to work their way up the Information Technology ladder to more fulfilling positions. Sometimes we have off days, sure, who doesn't, but we know EXACTLY what we are doing. Note: This does not apply to anyone outside of our department, they are, in all reality, idiots who are out to screw you.

Now, you say that you have already unplugged the 'internet box.' Guess what genius, your going to do it again. Most of the time we have a very good reason for this... unless your a dick, then we are going to do it just to piss you off more. Also, reset that damn router of yours and don't lie to me about it, we don't care that you have it, its not illegal to own and use one.

To the little sweet old "computer illiterate" customer, you are by far some of the most enjoyable people we get the chance to talk to, your patient, willing to learn, and most importantly willing to listen, Thank you! You Computer Science PhD's? Understand this... YOU ARE RETARDED! If you have already 'cycled' the equipment and it didnt work, why did it work when I made you do it again? If you are so well educated, better than me, smarter than the average 5th grader, why the hell are you calling me? Get the hell out of my queue, I have nicer people to talk to that have ligitimate problems to solve.

Do not try to intimidate me by demanding to speak with my supervisor without telling me what the problem is. My supervisor isn't Merlin, he doesn't have some magic wand that he can wave around and make everything better. Infact they are governed by the same protocolc and use the same tools that I do. And, to top it all off, they are more likely to tell you straight up where you can put your demands because, get this!!! They have other shit to do like help fix the 120,000 other customers that are offline because some reject with a back-hoe cut the fiber optic line that killed the entire southeastern US's services.

Also, threatening to quit our services does not do anything for me. We have an entire department dedicated to crying about your wanting to quit our service, so that means I don't have to give half a shit about your threats. Harsh, sure, but I have more than enough work do to fixing shit, yelling at field techs, following up on cases and explaining the concept of web-based email to your country-bumpkin cousin Henry. Cry to someone else if you plan on threatening to quit.

"It worked fine yesterday!" I know all about it, but let me explain something... Shit breaks. Lets consider that I spent the last 45 minutes going over the same thing repeatedly, the best answer is, stop crying, don't threaten me, let me do the other part of my job, which is getting a field technician out to your house and fix our equipment. And if we did determine that your PC is a 14 year old piece of crap, quit being a tightwad and get a new pc. Your Windows 98 box isnt even supported by Microsoft anymore. And get this through that thick skull of yours... Computers do not get better with age, they are not a fine wine or a collectors automobile.

Speakerphone? Turn it the fuck off. Kids, dogs, swearing spouse/significant other, driving, at work, or any other thing that I don't like, I can and will terminiate your call. I am a professional in my field of work. You are a professional in your field of work. Act like it.

Please, do not try to call back and speak with another technical support representative and have them troubleshoot the same problem I spent an hour on the phone with you just because you didn't like my answer. Here is a secret, we keep detailed notes on your account. He too can read that you spilled coffee on the "internet box", and even if he didn't read what I wrote he would come to the exact same conclusion. All you are doing is tying up a representative with your stupidity and stubbornness and keeping someone that has a real problem on hold, listening to that god-awful music.

I am not blowing smoke up your ass when I say that I understand just how frustrating it is to wait on hold for hours, get transfered to the wrong department, disconnected, and have had to deal with bad agents. The difference is I do care about your problem, now lets calm down so I can fix your shit.

My company deals with over 30,000 trouble calls per day. There is about 400 of us here answering these calls. We have time constraints, sales quotas, and specific things we need to do in a set way. To this day, in the two years I have worked here, I have not once ever gotten a call from a customer that said "Thank you, my shit works great!" Maybe that will happen some day, probably not today.

So, what can I help you with today?